I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
