Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
