The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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