i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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