There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
