I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Come share oat with me in your robe
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
