I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
