and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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