Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
