I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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