i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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