dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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