whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
