dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
