I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize