come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
