He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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