capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
