remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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