so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
