some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Sober January is a disaster.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
