if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
