Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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