I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
