The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
