Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
