I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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