we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
