Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
