did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize