ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
So squirting runs in the family.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
