there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
