I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
