shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
