You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
