Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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