I just pynch a tree in the face
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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