I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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