take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize