I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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