I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
