On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
