what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
