My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
