I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
