she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
