So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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