I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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