Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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