Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
