just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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