I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
