So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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