bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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