My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Randomize
