how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
